New Age Jokes

"My guru told me that the way

to achieve true inner peace

is to finish what I start.

So far today, I have finished

two bags of chips and a chocolate cake!

I feel better already!"

* * *

Be Here Now.

(Be someplace else later.

Is that so complicated?)

* * *

Wherever you go, there you are.

(Your luggage is another matter,

of course.)

* * *

Meditator: "Time to empty my mind. Oh, that reminds me . . . "

* * *

So, I hear reincarnation is making a comeback.

* * *

"Oh no!

What if this

Spiritual Awakening stuff

is all a hoax, and

all we're really doing

is making our lives

more GOD-centered,

peaceful, happy, meaningful

and contented?"

* * *

Remember, you're unique!

(Just like everybody else!)

* * *

Friend of mine told me I live in a dream world.

I was so shocked I almost fell off my unicorn!

* * *

I didn't believe in reincarnation in my last lifetime, either.

* * *

A Meditating Son

Two men meet on the street.

One asks the other: "Hi, how are you?"

"I'm fine, thanks," replies the other.

"And how's your son? Is he still unemployed?"

"Yes, he is. But thank goodness he is meditating now."

"Meditating? What's that?"

"I don't know", he sighs,

"But it's better than sitting around

and doing nothing."

* * *

Vegan Pun

This woman came up to me today

and said she recognized me from the vegan club.

I was confused, as I'd not seen herbivore.

(groan)

* * *

Changing Times

Scene: A New Age Vegetarian Café

Waitress: "Would you like milk with that?"

Cheerful New Age customer: "Oh my goodness! No one drinks cow's milk anymore! Do you have any soy milk?"

One week later:

Waitress: "Would you like soy milk with that?"

Cheerful New age customer: "Oh my goodness, no one drinks soy milk anymore! Do you have almond milk?

Waitress sniffs some cedar oil from a small vial to reduce stress.

One week later:

Waitress: "Would you like almond milk with that?"

Cheerful New age customer: Oh my goodness, no one drinks almond milk anymore! Do you have rice milk?

Waitress takes some valerian root tincture to reduce stress.

One week later:

Waitress: "Would you like rice milk with that?"

Cheerful New Age customer: "Oh my goodness, no one drinks rice milk anymore! Do You have cashew milk?"

Waitress takes some Ashwagandha root tincture to reduce stress.

One week later:

Waitress: "Would you like cashew milk with that?"

New Age customer: "Oh my goodness, no one drinks cashew milk anymore! Do You have hemp milk?"

Waitress pleasantly replies: "Yes, I am pleased to say that we now have hemp milk. Would you like a glass?"

Cheerful New Age customer: "Is it organic?"

Waitress happily replies: "Yes it is."

Cheerful New Age customer: "Oh, I'm cleansing today. Is it Ayurvedic?"

Waitress passes out.

Sign in restaurant:

Please pray for our waitress Susie who is gradually recovering from a severe stress disorder. She is delirious and keeps mumbling something about milk. This is a very serious. We are waving burning sage around her, but she doesn't seem to be responding. Please place a crystal on your altar, light a candle for her, visualize her as perfectly healthy, and affirm her perfect clarity of mind. Thanks!