The Office

Christmas Party Memos


FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: Everyone RE: Christmas Party DATE: December 1

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue.  We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!


FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 2 RE: Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Hope this works for everyone  :-)


FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 7 RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 2 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating during daylight hours. We can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps Luigi’s can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - the days are so short this time of year - or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?


FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 8 RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice?  I didn't know that.  I apologize to our “earth-based Goddess-worshipping” employees, but fire regulations at Luigi’s prohibit the burning of sage in the dining room.  But we’ll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band’s breaks. Ok?


FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

Date: December 9 RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of “Santa” does happen to be “Satan,” there is no evil connotation to our own “little man in a red suit.” It’s just a tradition, folks, like fireworks on the 4th of July. Could we lighten up?


FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 10 RE: Holiday Party

Vegetarians, I'm so sorry!  You can sit at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your freaking salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream.  I heard them screaming last night.  I’m hearing them scream right now!   Arrrrrrrrggggg!!!


FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: December 14 RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the Sunnyside State Mental Hospital. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and you can have the afternoon of the 23rd off.  The CEO and management will be spending the holidays in Hawaii.



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